Without You
by KBeternallove
Summary: Kirk, Spock, and an Ensign beam down unto a seemingly empty planet.  Slash.
1. Worry

"The planet is very much like Earth. Here are no signs of life forms. It is capable if sustaining life. It has water and dense vegetation. It could be a suitable place for an Earth colony."

"Thank you, Mr. Spock. I'll keep that in mind."

I hate making this decision. I have to choose who lives and who dies. Who should I send on the unknown planet this time? I don't like to send my crew onto any potentially threatening planet, but we discover and explore strange new worlds.

The whole bridge is waiting to hear who would leave the safety of the ship and who might not come back.

"May I accompany you to the surface, Captain?"

I turn to and Spock is staring at me with those eyes. I can't refuse him. "Of course you can, Spock. You Ensign Genovesi will beam down with me in one hour."

I leave the bridge and head towards my room. Upon entering, I see someone sitting on the edge of my bed.

"Don't you know how to knock," I try to say seriously but can't keep a straight face.

"I knocked, but no one answered. I couldn't just stand there, so I decided to come in anyway."

"What do I owe this visit, Bones?"

"I just came to check up on you. I heard up on you. I heard about the planet." Just like that the humor was gone.

"I'm fine. I'm absolutely fine."

"Jim, I've known you for longer than I'd like to admit. We both know you are not fine. This job is tearing you apart."

I know he is right, but I would never admit to it. I could never tell anyone that I am not in perfect mental health; a captain must always be at the top of his game.

"I'm fine, Bone. I just came in here to grab some stuff before we head planet-side."

I have never been a good liar. McCoy knows that that was his invitation to leave, but he holds my gaze. It feels like he sees straight through me. Sometimes I feel like Bones is the smartest of us all. I know as he breaks eye contact that this is not over.

I grab everything I might need to survive on a new planet. I take a shower with my imaginary Spock. As I walk towards the transporter room, I wonder what dangers are for us down there.


	2. A beautiful place

The planet is beautiful. Between the three moons, one moon is always visible. The grass is a light blue color and there are flowers as far as the eye can see. There are hills surrounding us.

"It's so beautiful," Ensign Genovesi is the first one to recover from the view. He is fresh out of the academy and has a career ahead of him in the science career.

"The air is clean. It has no harmful toxins. There are no signs of life; there isn't even wildlife. We are alone on the planet." Spock eyes the tricorder in disbelief. No one believes that someone has not settled this planet. "The days are shorter than that of Earth. It is almost dark."

"Enterprise to Captain. We are leaving range due to our orbit. We won't be able to beam you up or communicate with you until morning. Enterprise out."

Great. We are stuck here until tomorrow. "Spock, you find a place to spend the night. Genovesi, find a fresh source of running water. I'll find food. Don't go too far away. We'll meet here in about an hour."

I hate to separate. I know Spock can take care of himself, but Genovesi is new to all of this.

I amble around looking for food to eat. There is none on the ground. I look up into the trees; there is fruit everywhere. I shimmy up the closest tree and grab a fruit. It tastes like a mix between a strawberry and an orange. I grab a bunch and climb down the tree.

When I get back to the meeting spot, they are both waiting for me. They had both succeeded in finding us shelter and water. They were even close to each other.

"It is starting to get late. Let's go get in our shelter. We don't know what the night will be like here. Damn... I forgot a fire."

"Don't worry, Captain. I found fuel for a fire. It is waiting in the cave." Spock to my rescue. What would I do without him?

The cave is situated in a hill with the stream only about a ten minute walk away. The cave is big enough to hold the three enough and we can stand without hitting our heads. We will all be very close together tonight.

"You found us a nice place, Spock. I'll work on building the fire out by the entrance."

I walk outside into the rapidly chilling air. Nights come fat here I guess. Growing up on an Iowa farm teaches you how to quickly build a fire. Before long I have the flames going strong.

"W-What are we going to do tonight," stuttered Genovesi.

"We are going to stay in this cave. Do NOT leave this cave until morning. That is a direct order." I don't want to be a jerk, but I don't want anyone to die either.

Spock replies, "Captain, I do not foresee any threats to us. I believe it will be safe not to keep a watch, but if you wish, I'll take the first one."

"No. You're right; we do not need to keep watch. We are alone on this planet."

With that, we settle down to sleep. The proximity to Spock is intoxicating.


	3. Night

We are in the woods by my family's farm. We are watching the sunset from atop a cliff. It is beautiful; trees fill the horizon as far as the eye can see.

I look over and he is sitting there. His eyes penetrate my soul. The only person that truly knows who I am: Spock. He leans over and kisses me.

We keep kissing. They become deeper and more urgent with each passing second. It is as if our tongues are waging a war.

I take off Spock's shirt and rub my hands along his bare skin. I feel his hot Vulcan skin. I want him.

Spock pushes me so that I am lying on my back. He has me pinned down under him. I pull him close to me. I feel him growing hard on growing hard on top of me.

He starts going lower. He leaves a trail of kisses and bite marks down my abdomen.

"Oh, Spock."

I am answered with a scream. It sounds close by. That has never happened in this dream before. I try to ignore it. Spock has gotten to my cock.

I feel myself being shaken in the real world. My favorite dream is over. I look up into the real Spock's eyes.

"Ensign Genovesi is gone, Sir. I woke up a minute and a half ago and he had vanished. I woke you up as soon as I heard the screaming." Spock is emotionless as he delivers this news.

There is another scream not that far away. I jump up as quickly as humanly possible and take off sprinting in the direction of the scream.

I quickly see that this planet is very different at night. The vegetation comes alive when the sun sets. They have vines covered in spikes that can shoot out and hook onto anything moving. You can see the poison dripping off of others.

I keep running. I can't even think; I don't even think. I need to get there. Genovesi needs to be safe. I need to save him.

I stop because I see him up ahead. He is laying face down on the ground. Vines are swarming around him. He has been so mauled that he barely looks human. He can't still be alive.

I start to run towards him, but I am being jerked back by my middle. I panic, but it is Spock. Spock had apparently kept up with me and was now stopping me.

"Let go of me, Spock. Genovesi needs help. We have to help him. We just can't leave him here. Let go."

"Genovesi is dead, Jim. No one can help him now."

I start shaking. This cannot be happening; someone else has died while under my care.

Spock won't let me get him. His Vulcan physiology has made him stronger than me. I can't get away. I turn around to hit him, but I black out.

I wake up in the cave. It is still the middle of night. Spock must have rekindled the fire. I look down at myself, I am covered in cuts and my shirt is torn. I just want to get off of this hellhole of a planet.

"I see you are awake, Captain." Spock is standing a few feet away watching me.

"Why did you pinch me? We could have saved him. It wasn't too late." I feel so helpless.

"Jim, I didn't want to lose you. I wasn't going to let you die trying to save someone that was already dead."

I feel my control slipping. "I can't do this anymore. I can't send people out to die. They put their lives in my hands every single day. He was so young. He probably had a family and friends. It is my fault he his dead." I feel myself spiraling down into a bottomless pit.

"Jim, it is not your fault. It is a danger of our job and he knew that when signing up." I want to punch his emotionless face. He just doesn't understand.

"It is my fault. I am the captain. It is my job to protect the crew. I am letting them down. I can't even do my most basic duty. I am failing all of you."

I finally look at Spock. I need him to understand. I need him to be here for me.

"Jim, you gave orders not to leave the cave under any circumstance. You did all you could do. Listen to me. It is not your fault. Do not let this destroy you."  
>I feel a tear trickle down my face; I hastily wipe it away before Spock can see that I have lost control. "I can't do this anymore. As soon as we get off this damn planet, I am going to resign and go back to my home in Iowa."<p>

"You are the best captain in Starfleet. This is what you are meant to do. The crew needs you... I need you."

I stare at him in astonishment. What did he mean by that? Spock is a Vulcan, certainty he does not mean anything by that comment. I want him to have meant something by it, though. I want to be with him, but I can't. I am the Captain and people look up to me. They can't think I have favorites, not even if I love him. They must all be view equally in my eyes. My feeling might be used against me or viewed as a weakness.

"No one needs me. I could easily be replaced. Besides, you would be an amazing captain."

Spock comes and sits oddly close to me. He says, "No. No one could ever replace you."

I now know without a doubt. I know he will understand me when I ask, "How long?"

"I realized I was experiencing feelings for you approximately a year ago. I illogically follow you to a planet's surface to keep you safe."

I don't know what to do: do what is expected for me to do or do what I want to do.

Spock leans over and kisses me. I jerk back and yell, "Spock, what are you..." I stop because I see the hurt and unrequited love that can be seen only in his eyes. I am the cause of that pain.

I lean over and kiss him back. It is gentle at first, but he pulls me closer and I feel his tongue slip into my mouth.

I move so that I am straddling him. My mouth strays to the side of Spock's neck; I bite him and I feel his hand that has my hair twirled around it tighten. He moans my name into my ear.

He breaks the kiss and pants, "Do you love me?"

I shake my head yes. He starts kissing me again. Spock grabs my hand and runs two fingers along my hand. I mimic him.

He then gently pushes me so that I am lying underneath him.

I pull both of Spock's shirts over his head; he uses the rip in my shirt to tear it to expose my chest. He lowers himself so that there is no space between us.

I claw desperately at his pants. I can't get them off. He has to take them off. I then take off his underwear. I run my hands along his bare skin. I can't believe that this is happening to me. I roll him over so that I am on top of him.

Spock nimbly unbuttons my pants and slides them and my underwear off. I can feel his cock pressed hard against my thigh. I start grinding against him.

The feel of our bodies rubbing against each other is better that in my wildest dreams. Spock scratches me across my back as I begin fucking his ear with my tongue. He really likes it when I lick his pointy tip.

I want to be inside of him. I tell him to roll over. He obediently does as I ask. The thought of what I am about to do is driving me wild.

I am about to penetrate him when he says, "Jim... I've never done this before."

I say, "Don't worry; I know what I am doing."

I enter and make sure he is okay. He didn't make a sound of dissent, so I assume he is okay. I gently begin thrusting. I hear Spock moan.

I begin to go faster and faster. I can feel the arousal reaching its tip. Spock is arching his back in pleasure and calling out my name into the night.

I feel purely animal in this instant. I keep going faster and harder. I can't last much longer, but I want to cum with him. I feel all his muscles tighten as his breath catches when he is moaning my name. All of his muscles are contracting. I allow myself to cum inside of him.

We ride our respective orgasms together. I keep going slowly until we have both the post-orgasm tenderness.

I lay down in his arms. There is cum covering the floor, but neither of us seems to notice it. We are still too lost in the moment. My dream came true.

I fall asleep as Spock strokes my hair.


	4. Hurt

I wake up alone. The rock's chilly surface indicates I have been alone for awhile. His clothes are gone, but mine are still strung about. I must be early morning.

I immediately panic. There is no blood or signs of trouble. There is no sign that someone had come into the cave during the night and abducted him. He must have left during the night. Where could he have gone? Why did he just leave?

I put on my pants but my shirt is too torn to wear. Last night was amazing and it just keeps playing in my head. I want to stop and think about last night, but I need to find Spock. He might need me. All I can think of is Genovesi and Spock lying in that same position.

I search the outside of the cave for clues. There are a lot of shoe prints, but they are all our boots. I try to distinguish the paths we took last night. I don't see any extras. It seems like someone had done a lot of pacing.

All of a sudden I feel myself being transported. I am now face-to-face with Scotty.

"Is Spock here?" I shout frantically.

"No, sir. We've been trying to get a hold of you all day. We beamed you up as soon as we found you."

"I want a team to beam back down with me NOW," I bark. "We have to find him and get him out of there before it gets dark. I won't to be beamed down now."

It takes several minutes for a team to assemble. They seem to be going in slow motion.

When a team has gathered I say, "We lost a man on that planet and one is missing. We need to get him out before dark. At night the planet comes alive and becomes hostile. Stay in groups and keep in contact with me. McCoy, you are to come with me."

A team of eight beams down. McCoy and I head in the direction of the cave. We don't come across any signs of life. All of the footprints are gone at the cave. They have all disappeared.

"Dammit, Bones. This is the cave and the footprints are gone. I don't know how to find him now. It is the cursed planet."

"Jim, what happened down here? I understand that you are worried about Spock, but you would not be this worried normally. Why are you so scared?" Bones always knows when something is going on that no one wants him to know about. He might as well be able to read minds.

"The place comes alive at night. It killed Genovesi. Now Spock is gone. We have to find him before the sun sets. We have to find him. We all have to leave before it gets dark." I stop waling to face Bones.

"You will find him. Don't worry; you always find him."

"What if I can't?" I start walking so that Bones can't see the worry and fatigue on my face. I don't know what I'd do without him.

"Keptin, this is Chekov. Ve have vound nothing."

"Okay. Keep, chec-"

I stop dead in my tracks. There is a piece of black material sticking out from under a red bush up ahead. I sprint over to the bush. I have the plant shoved out of my way before McCoy gets to it.

Spock is lying face down in the dirt. His right ear lobe is torn. His shirt is in shreds. Spock is lying in a pool in his own blood and it doesn't look like he is breathing.

"Outta my way," Bones says as she shoves past me. He starts taking his vital signs. I don't know what to do. He must be dead. There is too much blood for him to be alive. I do not think I can handle it.

"Jim, I need you to- Snap out of it, Jim. He's alive but barely. We need to act fast if we are to save him."

I nod and reach for my communicator. "Scotty, beam Bones, Spock, and myself up. We need a medical team prepared and standing by. Beam the others up afterwards."

"Aye, sir."

We are beamed up almost instantly. The team lifts Spock unto a gurney. I start to follow but McCoy grabs my arm.

"I think we need to talk alone."

We walk down the hall until we find an open briefing room. He gently guides me into the room. He is apparently taking the role of psychiatrist now. I should have seen this coming after our last talk; I am an even bigger wreck now.

The silence stretches on forever. We are both waiting for the other to say something.

I weigh my options. I don't know if I can tell him without breaking down. I already feel close to the edge.

"McCoy-" I am interrupted by McCoy's communicator.

"Doctor McCoy, we need you down here. Spock isn't looking good."

"Stay here. I don't want you wandering around or following me. Do you understand?" With that McCoy leaves me to worry.

The man on the communicator said that Spock is not looking good. That couldn't be true. Spock has to make it. I know that I can't...won't live without him.

I sit in that Briefing Room for a long time. I alternate between pacing nervously, weeping, or a combination of the two. I need to know what is happening.

Bones walks through the door looking more tired than I have see him in a long time.

He says, "I'm sorry I've been gone for so long. Jim... you need to come with me."

When people say that, it is never a good sign.


	5. The Ending is Just the Beginning

McCoy and I are standing across the room from Spock. I have my back turned to him because I cannot look at him. He is barely alive Bones ahs told me; the only reason he is alive is his Vulcan physiology. His breathing is slight. Cuts and bruises cover his entire body. Spock has two broken ribs and laceration on his neck and head. He lost so much blood. McCoy had to fix his ear in surgery. With all of those problems, it is hard to believe how peaceful he looks.

"How long is he going to be like this? When will he wake up?" I can hear the desperation in my voice; the kind of desperation I haven't heard from myself since Tarus IV.

"I don't know, Jim. He may wake up tomorrow or remain in a comatose state for the rest of his long life. His body has pulled through, but his mind might not ever come back to us. Even if he wakes up, he probably would never be the same."

"Dammit, don't tell me that," I practically yell at McCoy. I don't think I can handle hearing anymore. "No. NO. He will wake up and be just fine. I need him. I can't do this without him."

I turn away so that McCoy won't see the trail of tears running down my cheeks. I feel a hand on my shoulder; it feels almost like it is trying to keep me sane.

I focus on keeping my voice level when I say, "I'm alright."

"No, you are not alright." I risk looking at the doctor. His face is so caring that it makes me cry more. "I think we need to have a talk. You have to tell me what is going on inside that head of yours.

Leonard shuts the door to the Sick Bay to give us some privacy. I don't know what to say. I have never felt less like a Captain in my entire career.

"Spock has to make it. I need him."

"Jim, we all-oh." I could see the gears turning and the realization finally smack him in the face. "I think I know what you are getting at." If the situation wasn't so dire, I would find this quite amusing."

"I need him, Bones. He makes me want to put up with all of this. I've never felt like I belonged anywhere until I met Spock; I suddenly knew where I belonged. In the entire galaxy he is the one for me. Spock has to make it through. I love him. I love him so much that I would give career and my life just to be able to tell him how I feel about him.

I feel a weight lift off of me. I told someone what I have been holding inside for years. There goes my biggest secret. I try to salvage my dignity by ridding my face of the tears.

I look up and McCoy is beaming at me. That sadistic ass hole thinks this is funny.

"Is something wrong, Bones?"

"No, Captain. Everything is perfectly fine," I turn around to see Spock slightly rose up on his arm. He looks rough, but considering Bones didn't think he would ever wake up, he has never looked better.

"Well, I'll be damned. I guess I was wrong." McCoy swears under his breath.

"McCoy, can we have a moment alone," I absently say as I walk towards the medical bed. I can't tear my eyes away from Spock as I address McCoy.

"Lay back down; you don't want to hurt yourself. I think you have a constant need to prove Bones wrong."

I try to smooth over my very human moment. Spock just raises his eyebrow. With that single movement, I know that I'm not going to get away with it.

"When did you wake up?"

"I woke up when you said, 'He makes me want to put up with this. I was very touched, Jim"

What happens next depends on what I say. I can end it all now if I want. I should do what is expected of a Captain: say out of relationships with subordinates.

"I meant every word of it." Who am I kidding? I've wanted this for so long. If necessary, I would give up command for him.

I can see his eyes light up. I smile and grab his hand. He closes his eyes as if to sleep, but I can see a hint of a smile playing at the corners of his mouth.

"I fear I must retire soon, but there is something you need to know. That planet can show you your worst dreams. I heard you screaming my name in the distance. I went looking for you, but the plants got to me before I could find you. I thought I deserved to die because I couldn't save you. I wasn't fast or strong enough. My last thought before I lost consciousness was that I never got to tell you that I love you. I love you, James Tiberius Kirk, my bondmate.

"I love you, too. I regret that it took so long to tell you that. I just you almost had to die first."

I lean over and kiss him.

"Get some sleep that is an order. I'll be back after my shift. Try to be nice to McCoy; he did save your life. He will never let you forget that, either."

Two weeks have passed. Spock quickly recovered but McCoy would not release him until now. I would sit in Sick Bay everyday with Spock. When he got better, we started playing chess; I didn't go easy on him, though. Spock tried on several occasions to leave, but McCoy is not easily fooled.

Now Spock and I are in elevator heading towards the bridge. Spock is about to start his first shift since the incident.

"I've missed you on the bridge. I don't mean to get sentimental, but you know I couldn't do this without you."

Spock tosses me a sideways glance and answers, "I know."

If I didn't know better, I would have thought that was Spock was being smug, but that would be illogical.

"When does our shift end?" I ask innocently as I push the button for the elevator to stop.

"In eight hours. Why?"

I push Spock up against the wall and explore his mouth with my tongue. I tangle one hand into his hair and the other travels down to grasp his butt. Spock lets out a low moan of pleasure.

I pull away and say, "No reason. I was just wondering."

I push the button to start the elevator.

Spock grabs my hand just before the doors open to the bridge.

I say, "I have always wanted to do this."

Spock just nods his head in agreement as we step out onto the bridge.


End file.
